Someone “Secret-Santa’d” me a cyanide capsule for Christmas 2011.

This is not actually true, but is important for later on in the post.

Warning: this post contains “prison language.”

By “prison language” I certainly do not mean, “prison-tea-time language” which is actually quite pleasant, and can really teach you something new about a person.

Does this warning need to be here? Not really.

Sometimes when I greet a group of people, “how are you, folks?” I really have to fight the urge to say folks, and not fucks. It’s so tempting every time, because the word folk is so easy to fuck with.

“Hey there, fucks. How are ya?”

Makes me sound like a real cool dude. A real laid-back guy. Someone you’d never suspect is smearing your name to your face. If they do figure it out I can always deny it, and if that doesn’t work I can always rely on my cyanide capsule.

Happy 2012.

-Andrew Burnette