Postcards from Gitmo

Insight from Andrew Burnette.
Originally published in Ambiguous Enemies Monthly, Nov 2010

Have you ever wondered about the laws of thermal dynamics while jet-skiing into the sun? I know I have, I do it every Thursday night around midnight.

Hi, my name is Andrew. I’m from the “That Can Be Done Better” Society, based out of Columbia Records.
 
We’re not affiliated with Columbia Records, we just broke into their warehouse one day and started living in a crawlspace. It’s roomy now that most people download their music.
 
It has recently occurred to us how very little people understand our motto, “That Can Be Done Better.”
You see, late at night when most are sleeping or standing over sleeping people, we here at the “That Can Be Done Better” Society (to be known as TCBDBS for the remainder of this note) spend our sleepless nighttime hours watching infomercials and laughing to ourselves.
 
Are they really trying to sell steak knives by cutting through stone? That can be done better!
 
How about you sell steak knives by stabbing someone to death on the street and getting away with murder? I think a lot of people would buy that knife! Just a suggestion.
 
It doesn’t end there, folks. Lots of infomercials are focused too much on the mercial and not enough on the info. Where the hell do they get off telling me I can get all the best music of the 90’s on only two CDs?
Did they contact me about this? I don’t remember being asked permission to have the incredible tunes of my band Leprosy Testicles included in this amalgamation of talent. We would of been famous if our lead guitar Tad didn’t impregnate that hooker and marry her for the benefits.
 
Classes on “Doing It Better” will begin next July in the Knotts Berry Farm warehouse. We’re relocating, because we’re tired of eating CDs and DVDs.
 
Yours in Doing It Better,
Andrew
TCBDBS Founder and Core Values Stimulation Consultant