Someone “Secret-Santa’d” me a cyanide capsule for Christmas 2011.

This is not actually true, but is important for later on in the post.

Warning: this post contains “prison language.”

By “prison language” I certainly do not mean, “prison-tea-time language” which is actually quite pleasant, and can really teach you something new about a person.

Does this warning need to be here? Not really.

Sometimes when I greet a group of people, “how are you, folks?” I really have to fight the urge to say folks, and not fucks. It’s so tempting every time, because the word folk is so easy to fuck with.

“Hey there, fucks. How are ya?”

Makes me sound like a real cool dude. A real laid-back guy. Someone you’d never suspect is smearing your name to your face. If they do figure it out I can always deny it, and if that doesn’t work I can always rely on my cyanide capsule.

Happy 2012.

-Andrew Burnette

Here comes a new year. Are you ready for it?

The Mayans predicted you would be, whether you like it or not. Of course they also predicted I would be more famous (and better at updating my website) by now. Sorry Mayans, I feel like we let each other down.

This is the time when people make bold promises to themselves about being a “better person” in the upcoming year. Resolutions are thrown around with gusto in preparation of eventual defeat. Remember that time the U.S.A. had that War Resolution of 1973 and then George W. Bush went on to cheat on his diet 30 years later?

Does any of that make sense? Maybe I should continue to tell myself to stay out of politics. I find it’s hard to keep resolutions like that, so I tend to make mine more adventurous. I still smoke cigarettes after so many attempts to quit every January 1st. So this year I’m resolving to smoke three packs a day. For once not sticking to my resolution will be a good thing.

See you next year, folks.

-Andrew Burnette

It’s a momentous time in our country of the United States of America. Has anyone ever felt the “of America” is necessary? If a person doesn’t understand where you are referring to with just “the United States” then they shouldn’t be allowed to converse; Conversely, I talk to a lot of people who just say “America.” I get it. You know what I mean?

Tomorrow will be September 11th Eve in our land of Freedom Fries. Did you forget about Freedom Fries? I will continue to capitalize Freedom Fries until we acknowledge it like I was forced to acknowledge the Holocaust and Brigham Young University. More poor decisions by white people.

In all seriousness, this 10 Year Anniversary is a big one for all of us. The world changed that day. I remember I was only 15 at the time, but I felt 9/11 years old. When I found out there was little I could do to help, I felt 9/11 inches tall. You see what I’m getting at? I’m still really patriotic. I wouldn’t die for my country because I’m no extremist, but I still love it. That’s right, we still have sex after 25 years together.

It looks like it is August and I haven’t updated this website since May. It’s really a shame.

I don’t know how to tell all of you this, but I don’t think I will make my New Year’s resolution to update this website on a weekly basis. Shit, I didn’t even make it on a monthly basis. Life is busy though, what can I say?

Austin, TX has been a lot of fun and I feel right at home here.

If you’ll be in the Austin area on August 12th or 13th please come to The Velveeta Room for a great show with headliner Tom Rhodes. Tom is a world-traveling funny mofo and a hell of a great guy. I’ll be middling for the show, so come out and laugh it up (shows @ 9:30 and 11:30 both nights).

Before I get to what I want to write about let me first say I do not condone puppy mills; rather, I am a big time supporter of puppy health. I am not just speaking of physical puppy health, but also mental. Just last week one of my puppy friends was telling me how unhappy he was in a relationship. I told that puppy he had to do what made him happy, and he did. Now he no longer feels depressed and trapped! He also sells his body on the street for Beggin’ Strips. Stupid dog, it’s not really bacon.

Well, now I have forgotten the original premise for writing this here. This happens to me a lot and doctors have told me…well, I forget. I guess the point is that I love dogs, but I’d rather live in a cat-house.

-Andrew Burnette

After 19 years in Florida I’ve moved to Austin “The City That Never Rapes” Texas. I don’t know if it is actually the city that never rapes. I have not researched the information yet. Truth be told, I sometimes write things that are complete fabrications and I will not distinguish between reality and the disinformation I brew in my head.  Pure honesty is the best way to avoid jury duty.

About a week ago my girlfriend and I packed our truck and drove West through the night.  We were never afraid of falling asleep at the wheel because when we’re around each other we never sleep. We’ve been together for two long years and haven’t slept for 5,520 hours. Your Honor, the prosecution is guilty!

I’ve been in a constant state of mental arousal lately. That sounds exactly how it looks: My brain has been hard, throbbing, and covered in protruding veins. It’s definitely been this way for over four hours, but I haven’t called a doctor yet. I’m going to see if I can mindfuck some more people. People love a good mindfuck.

Here is a random picture from my journey out here:

I met Jene, she IS a good wife!

Before I left Tampa I snapped a picture of one of their famous sewer caps. If you have not seen this yet be sure to check it out on my CAPS PAGE. It’s been fun writing this for you to read. Did you have a good time? Tip your server.

-Andrew Burnette

The change of month is always a moment of reflection. Where did I put that calendar? Why am I standing in the garage? Who would put scissors in a pencil box?

October is a great month for sports in the United States. We have baseball, football, and basketball all keeping us occupied while the obesity rate slowly rises. What is going on? At least if there is one thing we can be sure of it is that the obesity rate will never rise quickly. First it has to unwedge itself from the groove it has set in the couch.

The weather is cooling and the time is perfect to take long walks before Winter comes and takes a big shit on our productivity. The long haul is beckoning us and we have no choice but to answer it. Fear not though, friends. It’s like Vlad the Impaler told the Turks, “Keep your head up…Never mind I’ll do it.”

Hello, how are you? May this text find you well.

Now that bleak absurdities are out of the way, let’s get to the nut of this entry.

Folks, I have no good habits when it comes to publicizing myself. I am 24 years old and I still am in a constant limbo of facial hair patterns. Under normal circumstances this is nothing to worry about, but I have long been under abnormal circumstances. My professional headshot has been printed and duplicated into a vast number for distribution, but few bookers would recognize the man in that mirror. Below is the headshot I have had printed.

This was accomplished at the beginning of 2010, sometime in January. Below is an image closer displaying my current look.

Please pay fleeting attention to the glossy-eyed stare. We’ve all had those nights, or have we? Is it a sign of something more serious? Is it listed in some medical dictionary as a common symptom of the inability to properly publicize one self? I’ll have to look into this.

For now I have been given some interesting ideas for how to cope with this facial hair dilemma. My girlfriend Tracy suggested my headshot be designed in the style of Wooly Willy (seen here), the old kids toy with the forever adjustable head/face of hair. I just may sink to this level if I do not find a cure for this sickness soon.

Join the campaign to help put an end to “dithering hair syndrome.” Find the cure before nature does it for you (by making you bald like our friend Wooly Willy). I will be selling pamphlets with more information on this after every show.

Enjoy yourself.

-Andrew Burnette

The rainy season is in full swing here. The mushroom harvesters are sweating by the moonlight running through fields of cows looking for the perfect crop. I cannot join them though for I am stuck here editing this website.

This website is still very bare. If you are reading this I am surprised. My work is tied up in a lot of projects right now, but when I get the chance I will add to this.

For the time being I am a constant presence on Facebook. You can find my fan page at: Facebook.com/ComedianBurnette