I have a recent set to upload here.
Austin, TX - April 29, 2013
My set for the Funniest Person in Austin contest 2013.
Many thanks to Dustin and Jen at Voltaic Video for their great work.
Until next time.
-AB
I’m re-posting this story I wrote four years ago. Some insight: I was torn over what to name this article. It was a tough fight between, “A New Hat,” and “Star Wars Forty-Four: A New Hat.”
Hope to see you all with bells and whistles on, mostly to scare away all the bears after the bearpocalypse.
-A.Burnette
The scent of pure ambrosia sang sweet melodies in my nostrils. The warm hum of the mid-morning sun sang vivaciously in my ear canals. All around me the the dew soaked blades of perfectly trimmed greenery gave way to a lust with nature I had never before realized. It was then I first discovered I would one day marry nature, and bear fourteen children with it. Proud, though I am of these accomplishments, I would never hold more supreme delight as I did the night I first deflowered my sweet Terra.
We had an off-and-on thing for the first few years. Late night phone calls that would last forever, it seemed. Unrestrained laughter at each, and every one of our jokes. With each passing day our being of pure lust grew larger, and more expansive. Finally we consummated our romance one spectacular mid-morning when I rolled over onto an aperture and dry-humped it.
They say all good things must come to an end though, and our romance was no different. It began first as a stream of lighthearted sarcastic remarks which eventually emptied into a sea of resentment, and finally followed the straits of disgust into the ocean of, “I can’t believe you’re experimenting with huffing compressed hydrofluorocarbons.” As easy going as I tend to be, I could never love anyone who disregards the payout of an old fashioned “Texas shoe shine.” 
I sit here now, draped in the carcass of a freshly gutted buck. As much as the melancholy of love sits heavy on my heart, I cannot let it betray my earnest desires to experience life. I hearken the spirit of nature, and in it I hearken the spirit of adventure. My love may have scorned me, but now I am free to do with life whatever I please. With gusto I decapitated a nearby marmoset. Just once I had to do it, I had to keep the head as a trophy. Not entirely for showmanship, but because I needed a new hat.
Editor’s Note: No animals were harmed during the writing of this. In fact, mid-way through the author saved a cat from a tree, and delivered it’s kittens on the lawn of a half-way house where each recovering individual got their own kitten to help them deal with life.
I was walking home from the store with three bottles of wine in a brown bag when the bag handle ripped and two bottles shattered in the bag. I’m not attempting to be sacrilegious here but I kind of see how Jesus Christ felt when he was on the cross. Sure, I wasn’t in any physical pain, but the Judas Iscariot who put three bottles of wine in a brown paper bag definitely had evil intention in their heart. Don’t get me started on God either, as he sat by in a cloud thinking of classic harp tunes, and probably laughed to himself as the red wine bottles broke and the blood of his Son was once again spilled upon the rocks.
This isn’t meant in offense to any one person, but if you’re the kind of person who gets offended you’ve probably stopped reading this already. If I was God I would be honored, and let’s face it, so many people have told me I’m God I might be starting to feel that way. Yesterday I was just goofing off on my way to work when I accidentally tripped and made a small lake part like the Red Sea. The eating was good that day as the fish thrashed about gasping for air in the now-dry lake bed.
I’m not big on ripping off stories so of course I don’t see myself as any God, or Son-of-God, and I still, of course, refuse to play the harp.
Let’s talk about science: I read a statistic recently that said one in twelve people are color blind. That means there’s a good chance one of Jesus Christ’s apostles was sitting at the last supper thinking, “Why do they keep calling it red wine?”
Yours in humor,
A. B.
Winter doesn’t officially start for a few more days, but already there’s a blizzard of unkempt ideology running amok in the United States of America. Every where I look some cloven-hooved adult male is rubbing an innocent child’s mane of hair and comforting them, “You were good this year, Santa will be here soon to reward thine glorious effort, young stallion of youth.”
I say bull-hockey!
Sure, Santa is real, but is he coming to many of these neighborhoods? The other day I saw two kids stepping on frogs. A week before that I saw a group of four children drinking blood from a pewter goblet, and while tying the tails of squirrels in knots they spoke with naive eagerness at the second coming of the Satan.
Were these events truly perceived by me? Nah, not in reality. I just wanted to offset the amount of pro-children media that is inundating America at the moment. Kids are okay unless they are poor. [Insert U.S. President’s name here] doesn’t care about poor children. LOL
While we’re talking about guns let me shoot some more ideas at you. How come no one wants gun control? If you don’t control the gun the gun controls you; Otherwise, let’s consider bullet control. From now on all bullets will be made of chocolate with a chewy caramel center. You can’t kill people, but you can give them cavities and diabetes.
Please accept any spelling errors with my sincere regret.
-A.Burnette
Time for another update here, but what to talk about? I’m shacked up here in Austin, TX with a hot mic chirping in my ear. Why are the p’s always popping? Should I have had added an apostrophe to p’s?
Recently a friend of mine was complaining about the traffic in Austin, but of course he meant car traffic. He owns a car, and hates sitting around in line with other cars. I know he wasn’t talking about pedestrian-traffic, because if he was he’d have a much better appreciation for car-traffic.
I don’t mean human -trafficking, which trumps both car-traffic and pedestrian-traffic, I mean globules of society running down a hot sidewalk. I’m talking about the steamy corporation of man trampeding nature in a common direction, that’s my traffic. Man, oh man, why are they all farting?
You think car exhaust is bad stuff, wait until you’re stuck behind a 48 year old jogger blowing exhaust on an incline. His diet probably consists mostly of cauliflower, Mr. Pibb, and deep-fried ho-hos. Hills are almost always covered in the farts of joggers. Any propulsion helps when you’re battling gravity to the top.
Speaking of which, I still don’t have a car. My road gigs are limited to where the city bus takes me. The gravity of life continues to pull at me, but the spirit of humor keeps me going.
World peace by 3012.
-AB
The Mish Mash Voting has come to an end. Thanks to everyone who voted. There was a strong show of support for me, and I really appreciate it; Unfortunately, I did not make it to the next stage of the contest.
They say, “that’s the way the cookie crumbles,” but I never had the cookie to begin with. In this case it’s more along the lines, “that’s the way the baker forgets to put the cookies in the oven but had already turned it on and now has fallen asleep and the house is burning down.” It’s a little long-winded, but it fits.
I’ll continue working to get back on the road to visit all of you. Thanks for the kind messages of support.
-AB
The dog days of summer have passed and slowly we creep into the cooling winds of Fall. I’m a bit distant because I’m possessed by the child of an angel and a demon. The offspring is actually completely middle of the road, hates to be trouble. That’s why I don’t like bragging about myself, but sometimes we need to.
That’s why I’m asking people to vote me into a contest at Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, TX. All you have to do is:
E-mail “Andrew Burnette” to: mishmash@capcitycomedy.com.
That’s all, piece of cake. Voting ends tomorrow so you will not be hearing about this from me again on here.
It actually was pretty easy to promote myself for this. I guess it is true what that fortune cookie said, “Someday you will enjoy your own genitals.”
Until then.
-AB
Special Note:
If you know me you probably know I don’t enjoy promoting myself. This is a fatal flaw for people in show business. The name of the game is self-promotion. I’ve known this for nearly 8 years now, but I still reserve myself.
That being said, I am asking people to vote me into this mini-contest at Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, TX.
If you enjoy my comedy please vote for me by e-mailing: mishmash@capcitycomedy.com. All you have to tell them is my name: Andrew Burnette.
Thanks.
-Andrew
The change of month always reminds me I never update my website enough.
I’m forcing myself to sit here to complete this. I’m listening to “Blowin’ In The Wind” because it always reminds me about the frailty of mankind and how it’s alright I don’t update this often. At least I’m not one of those asshole musicians making it big off of hype.
People who meet me for the first time never know what to make of me. I only found this out after several hundred people told me this over the course of 26 years. I was a late bloomer when it came to social cognitive skills. April showers bring December flowers.
Recently I brought my girlfriend some flowers just for the heck of it. She seemed pretty happy and replied, “That’s so kind of you.”
This bothered me quite exceedingly, “Kind of me?” I responded. “That’s all of me, baby!” Then, thanks to the subliminal messages in “Blowin’ in the Wind” that I’ve heard since I was a baby, I took the flowers and stuck them up my ass.
Merry Christmas in July.
-Andrew Burnette
My girlfriend is helping put the word out about how cute our dog is.
-Andrew
my miniature poodle Chasco smiling in the sun
